The Logic of Being Unnecessary

Maggie Gallagher had an interesting conversation on a shuttle with a young man (with divorced parents) who sought to argue on behalf of "alternative families":

"Kids just accept whatever their family situation is. It doesn't matter," Matthew told me. After all, he was raised by a single mom and doing just fine.

Sure, he was doing fine, in a lot of ways.

But then I pulled out my big gun: "What about you?" I asked him. "Do you think you'll matter to your kids?"

Matthew seemed taken aback by the question. Obviously he had never looked at it from that perspective. He thought for a moment and then followed his train of thought to the only logical conclusion -- a train wreck:

"No," he said. "Not really."

Abandon your kids early enough, he implied, and fatherlessness is all they know. They won't need you. Kids adjust.

Obviously, Gallagher is in no position — much less are her readers — to suggest that Matthew was deluding himself about his own wellbeing, but it surely fits my experience with the children of divorced parents that Matthew seems to have been among the lucky ones. Divorce tends to hurt the children, even if they have never known their fathers.

Gallagher also addresses the society-wide problems of Matthew's attitude. If "kids adjust" to whatever, then the preference for restricting their birth to the context of stable marital relationships, to begin with, erodes. This not only means that people "won't avoid umarried childbearing," as Gallagher says, but also creates a window of acceptible escape once children are born within a marriage.

Speaking from personal experience, with which most guys in my general situation will likely empathize, I remember the exact moment that I realized, back when my wife and I were just dating, that I had to choose right then between staying or leaving. Postponing the decision would have been callous and unfair.

When our daughter was still in the womb, there were times when I would have a mild panic attack when the reality of parenthood cascaded over me. For the most part, I needed only to remind myself that it was what I wanted. But what if I had previously convinced myself that children just learn to live with whatever, as long as the whatever happens soon enough? My decision would have remained the same, but it would have been in spite of the belief that the last chance to bolt does not pass with conception (let alone marriage). How many men will choose to leave?

Is finding out worth the risk of its being a lot?

Well, I suppose one's answer to that question will have much to do with values and willingness to sacrifice for the good of others. As Gallagher puts so succinctly:

This has been, of course, the big message of the family diversity crowd since the dawn of the sexual revolution: Adults have awesome intimacy needs that must be met. Family forms, social norms, household arrangements all must be wound, unwound and rewound so the adults get what they need. Kids? Oh, they adjust.

Kids shouldn't grow up having to adjust so that adults don't have to grow up.

Posted by Justin Katz at January 11, 2004 12:41 AM
Marriage & Family